What Now?

The great philosopher, Dante Alighieri, opened his epic poem Inferno with a line that would eventually haunt me: “In the middle of the journey of life, I found myself in a dark wood... for the straightforward path had been lost.”That description held a powerful resonance as I approached the age of fifty, thanks to having become adrift in a similar wilderness. Spiritual light of any kind remained not only illusive but out of my reach.

Redefining What I Believe

As the Series Preview mentioned, the spiritual formula I attempted to harness in early adulthood was theAlcoholics Anonymous®Twelve Step approach: I must seek conscious contact with a higher power wherever I might find Him/Her. Over and over, I trieddialing God’s number but all I would hear in response was the phone’s perpetual ring. Never did I experience the presenceof another voicenor was there any sign of an incoming call.

Grace’s First Steps

Necessity is the mother of invention. That formula aptly describes how my search for Grace began. By the time I turned fifty, I had perfected the artform of faceplants. My journey to that point had been a series of avoidable accidents. Rather than staying in the center of life’s road, I ran my personal vehicle into one ditch after another.Many of those wrecks were barely survivable.

Discovering the Eskimo Village

Back in the early 2000’s, I hadn’t contributed much to my writer’s basket of spiritual insights. Nevertheless, even then I felt an increasingly powerful compulsion to understand and articulate what my redefined spiritual identity might look like. I needed a baseline, a set of parameters to follow in my search for Grace. As usual, I found my answers through banging away on my laptop.

Grace’s Key Ring

A few years ago, my friend John, referred to in the Series Preview, provided me with an update to his autobiographical notes, a volume two of sorts. It included many valuable insights he gained during his years as an educational filmmaker. I was especially delighted to read about his experiences writing and directing nine episodes for an acclaimed PBS series titled, The Examined Life. The production’s goal was to explore the nature and evolution of human philosophy. The series included an impressive roster of contemporary philosophers who sat down with John for extended interviews.

Me, My Self & I

Explaining what ails me can be summed up as follows: I’ve got voices in my head. Worse, they never stop talking. There are voices that argue, voices that cast judgment, voices that cry out demanding my immediate cooperation. Of course, the complaint department has a long line of whiny voices, all waiting impatiently to bitch. Fellowship aside, what Twelve Step meetings really provided me each day was the chance to hear someone else speak!

Me: Just Another Homosapien

First, there is Me. I am quite normal if only thanks to the voices sitting on either side of each ear. Believe it or not, such personal shoulder squatters come as standard equipment. I am convinced our entire species is similarly equipped. AA’s “big book” notes the sole exception: people unable to get honest with themselves. I have nothing to offer those poor souls lacking an angel on one shoulder. One cannot negotiate Grace’s path without that steering wheel of conscientious truth.

My Self: The Devil on My Shoulder

Simply put, the ego-driven part of Me, my Self, is responsible for the majority of my life’s pitfalls. That ever-present devil has one primary objective: self-destruction. Distilled to its origins, the Self is not some inherent evil that exists within the human heart, not so far as I’m concerned. I see it as strictly a remnant of my primal need to survive against a hostile environment. This instinct has grown wildly out of control within me thanks to my finely honed ability to rationalize.   

I: My True Identity

Had my Self gained full control, suicide might very well have surfaced as a viable escape route. Without reliance on God or spiritual belief system to follow, such an outcome wasn’t beyond my range of choices. Residual hope for a better day had dissipated into a kind of nothingness, leaving my life without meaningful light. Was there any real point in perpetuating such madness?

My Self’s Heavy Load

I should pause to emphasize that my angel voice speaks most often when I am about to execute an order from my Self. In other words, my conscience acts as my gatekeeper. It maintains balance for my thought process, ensuring that what I say or do honors Grace’s qualities.

Setting Grace’s Foundation

When mental/emotional/psychological pain becomes intense enough, the human animal downshift into survival mode. We will do whatever is necessary to endure, if not escape. This was precisely where I stood as my quest for Grace began, finally ready to face my Self.

Grace as Willingness

Many years ago, I learned a key lesson of life: Nothing will happen until I take the first step. I must show up and report for duty. Utilizing Grace’s path carries a similar command: Follow it. What I may think or feel has no direct bearing when confronting my Self. Progress is strictly based on what I do. That reformulated approach required the creation of a new roadmap, one without Self-imposed detours. Through my willingness to face each challenge as presented, I could secure the necessary keys to open each locked door before me.

Grace as Sanity

Human drama has been a feature in my life thanks to my role as its principal actor.   Sometimes I cast myself in life’s comedy/tragedy; sometimes others assign me a designated part to play. Either way, once the curtain opens, my Self takes centerstage. Furthermore, my lines are memorized given my intimate familiarity with the character I play, whether hero or villain. I then act out the same old drama with my Self as thewriter/director.

Grace as Honesty

Grace As Honesty: The Confessional’s Value. I can never become genuinely honest with others until I first become honest with myself about how I operate. My need to blame has been based on my Self’s inability to accept responsibility for my life’s resulting darkness. Rather than examining the truth, my Self hides it, keeping previous transgressions under lock and key. My Self insists that revealing my darkest secrets will invite condemnation.

Grace as Courage

The Process of Becoming Known . Courage becamethe crucial key Ineeded to scrutinize my Self’s choices. I may appear as a bold man on the outside but feel like a scaredy cat on the inside. This codependent pussy would need a ton of courage to examine the multiple ways my Self has kept the true me hidden. As someone who looked repulsive, I had assembled a variety of masks to hide behind. Grace’s first steps required me to become brave enough to remove them.

Removing My Self’s Blinders

Going head-to-head against my Self is something of a chess match. It requires intense concentration to see the moves I need to make while keeping track of a constantly changing game board. The competition is especially daunting due to facing a much stronger opponent, one which has repeatedly whipped me into submission. This time around, rather than engage, I would follow a strategy of attrition. One by one, I had to remove my Self’s most effective pieces off the board. So long as they remained in play, my Self could keep me in check.

Grace as Tolerance

Detach Labels Before Using. Along with my Self’s aversion to change, it is equally uncomfortable with something new. Thisappliesespecially to anything which might challenge its dominating worldview. Instantly, my Self labels such newness as a negative even if only due to unfamiliarity.The introduction of something outside of its own narrowly defined perspective is viewed as oppositional rather than beneficial. My Self’s a priori justification for applying a negative or restrictive label works as follows:

Grace as Forgiveness

Trauma’s Antidote. Using Grace’s early techniques to overcome my Self’s bondage helped me escape its tether. However, some chains are harder to break than others. This appliesespecially to forgiving those who have hurt me the most. Rather than forgive, theSelfexpresses spite. My internal devil derives great satisfactionby throwing well-deserved hate at whoever has wronged me. My Self’s version of an eye for an eye works something like this: If you poke me in the eye, I have the right to blind you.

Grace as Dominion

Halting Speculation’s Spin. If not already apparent, this author is a rather cerebral creature. I can stretch out in an easy chair, what some refer to as “the neurotic’s spaceship” and become lost in contemplation for hours. So long as such pondering stays within the realm of musing, the activity remains benign. However, the moment that musing turns into speculation, my Self has arrived to take over the conversation.

Grace as Accountability

My Self’s Blame Game. Casting blame occurs when my internal devil becomes Self-righteous. Because the Self’s decision to blame requires no justification, potential allies become transformed into a vested enemy. Moreover, by reacting with blame, I am frozen in the role of victim due to handing over my power to whomever my Self has determined responsible.

Grace as Receptivity

Listening to the Audience. If there is any subject for which I shall remain an on-going student, it is this one.   Not only am I someone who won’t shut up, I also have a terrible habit of interrupting others.  As embarrassing as my mouthiness has been throughout my adult life, I seem unable to stop the behavior.  To a certain extent, I will forever remain an obnoxious three-year old, babbling away, convinced the world wants to hear my every word.

Accessing Internal Guidance

What does tossing-out my Self’s old crutches allow me to do? I can stand upright while stepping in the direction of a more graceful life. Positive movement will not occur until I get off my ass. The follow-up effort requires me to stop acting like one. By containing my Self’s worst forms of control, the more powerful part of Grace’s journey can begin. The pathway has been cleared to locate my True Identity.

Grace as Reason

Accessing Truth Using Common Sense. Given a lifetime of following my Self’s manipulations, I faced a bewildering question. How can I discern the truth when previous internal assurances later proved to be false? This section is dedicated to explaining how I now separate fact from fiction.

Grace as Effort

Lightening My Load Through Action. We don’t think our way to right action, we act our way to right thinking. I’ve heard that self-correction philosophy repeated countless times at Twelve Step meetings regardless of the vice being addressed. The concept has existed for centuries as evidenced by a Buddhist precept: “My actions are my only true belongings.”I am not measured by how Ithink or feel but instead bywhat I do.

Grace as Humility

Grace As Humility: An Award-Winning Performance. The pursuit of Grace cannot be accomplished without the exercise of humility. Until my Self’s sense of grandiosity has been controlled and contained, I cannot move forward on Grace’s path. Humility is the key unlocking the door to Self-surrender. Like every other step I have taken on my path to Grace, developing genuine humility required action.

Grace as Clarity

Looking Past Distorted Mirrors. Attending law school was never my plan after college. I instead wanted to pursue a career in film and television by attending one of the country’s best film schools at the University of Southern California. However, given the fierce competition, it was extremely difficult to gain entry. I discovered that through admission to USC’s law school, I could enroll in its School of Cinema’s graduate courses. Better yet, the law school would allow film school credits to be applied towards my law degree. From that educational platform, I would be able to kick-off my entertainment career.

Grace as Perspective

A Window to Objectivity. Refining my sight required that I learn how to look beyond the distorted mirrors of others. The reverse holds true when peering into a clear mirror. Without other Eskimo’s objective eyes seeing what I cannot, I will remainblinded by my Self’s hidden distortions. I must therefore pay careful attention whenever another Eskimo identifies a problem seen in my mirror.

The Voice of My Conscience

Having gained some measure of dominion over my Self, I was finally learning how my conscience communicates with me. That inner voice does not actually speak. There is no exchange of words. In fact, rather than a conversation, my conscience usually provides me with not much more than encouragement or verification. Of course, that voice also servesas my Sergeant-at-Arms, saying“No” to anything which might interfere with my access to a truth or its expression.

Grace as Magnetism

When Mater Met Glenda. The simplest way to explain the relationship Glenda and I share is by observing the couple featured in the motion picture When Harry Met Sally. Viewing the movie left us spooked, almost as though someone had been reading our mail, given so many eerie similarities.

Grace as Revelation

Once Glenda walked away, my brain shifted into hyper self-examination. I asked my therapist whether I had so much as once raised the issue of my marriage over the previous year. He indicated I’d said nothing. What had I missed? How could I have been so blind? Most of all, how could Glenda do this to me!?

Grace as Freedom

A proverb I have long followed states that chance favors the prepared mind. Advancing successfully out of chaos required first turning my lights on. To learn the truth of my marriage’s demise demanded me to alter my search, vectoring away from its human dimension. Through a willingness toopen my eyes and look honestly, I hoped eventually to see what I could not before.

Grace as Presence

At this point, I had freedom’s light to guide me forward. Yet I continued falling in and out of hopelessness. The emotional devastation I’d recently suffered kept haunting me. I’d regained both movement and the ability to live freely. However, I still spent my day-to-day life fighting off despair without Glenda at my side.

Grace as Love

We each have our own definition of love. Grace’s version of love facilitates the expression of who I am. By offering truth through love’s filter, I make it audience friendly. I’ve found I cannot stay inside Grace’s light unless each step includes love’s infusion. Without it, painting with Grace will fail due to an inability to adhere to the canvas.  Attempts to do otherwise are invariably the result of my Self’s manipulation to serve its own end.   Speaking with a quiet, abiding love is the only language my conscience knows.    

A State of Grace

Following the guidance of my conscience had lifted me to an entirely new level of graceful awareness. The mental/emotional vacuum I’d existed in after Glenda’s departure became filled with graceful purpose. I now held Grace’s keys of freedom and presence along with discovering an ever-expanding love for the good soul I am. Thanks to this empowerment, I could see a state of Grace’s bright lightannouncing the start of a new day.

Grace as Awakening

Glenda was gone, a fact I had not only come to accept but greeted as a graceful opportunity to begin my life anew. The question I asked was not so much where I was going, but where I belonged. With no children, the most meaningful thing in my life was what Glenda and I had created, our lake compound. Together, we had fashioned a home of beauty and comfort in an exquisite setting. With Glenda no longer an integral part of my life’s meaning, our home quickly took her place. In a sense, the lake compound, our child, provided benevolent comfort even though Mommy had chosen to walk away from Daddy.

Grace as Surrender

I have spent endless hours contemplatinghow I found the spiritual strength to break my Self’s final set of chains that November morning. My best assessment is that I had reached Grace’s tipping point after hitting an internal this far and no farther moment of spiritual catharsis. My version of Jobrefused to take another step without first ensuring it would be gracefully smooth.

Grace as Acceptance

I define “acceptance,” at least honest acceptance, as a synonym for surrender. By surrendering my Self-will, I have accepted the terms by which I am obligated to live going forward.A business transaction requires acceptance prior to consummation. Without the quality of acceptance, I have more work to do, assuming I want the deal.  

Grace as Direction

Throughout adulthood, I was sadly one of those who existed within the framework of“I am my feelings.”How Iexpressed my emotions defined what others saw. Such an approach to self-presentation served me aboutas well as that old LA philosophy, “You are your car.” In a one-dimensional world such as California’s land of fallen angels can so often be, what one chooses to project determines his or her image.

Grace as Protection

With my Self’s presence in my day-to-day life minimized, any desire to participate in external conflict seemed pointless. But I also knew the war with the Self would never end. Holding on to the Grace I had found would require my constant vigilance. The moment I stop living conscientiously, my Self wastes no time reengaging. By donning the mantle of Grace’s spiritual warrior before starting each day, I receive much needed protection.

The Eskimo Village

The rewards I’ve experienced since finding my way to a state of Grace cannot be properly measured.  My spirit and I are one. Finding a lastingalignment with my TrueIdentity not only facilitated my life’s greater happiness, but also opened new doors to share it.

Grace as Gratitude

Despite its many pitfalls, I am extremely grateful for the life I have lived, andI’m especially blown away by its joyful conclusion. Twelve to fifteen years ago, I would have described my time on earth as an utter failure, external conquests notwithstanding. In a variety of ways, my life’s journey hadseemingly lost its integrity, becoming one of despair.

Grace as Sharing

I will never forget the sign welcoming me as I pulled through the treatment/rehab facility’s front gates for the first time in 1988:Expect A Miracle.   Given my emotional darkness at the time, my kneejerk thought was, “Yeah, welcome to Fantasyland.”Thirty days later, when I passed that sign heading home, I realized that a miracle had, in fact, occurred.

In Covenants I Trust

I’ve long believed the United States Constitution sustains my country as a free nation. America’s founders intentionally kept God on the sidelines. Our secular nation would instead rely on the democratic process to bind as well as heal its people. In my opinion, such a keen adherence to the truth originally defined the United States as the world’s beacon of light.

Grace’s Four Cornerstones

I know, I know… by mixing metaphors with the titles of this lesson, I am suggesting the classic fool’s errand of trying to square a circle. At one time, such Self-imposed dilemmas were a daily part of my life’s equation. In this case, I use the concepts strictly for the purpose of illustration. Writer’s license permits my igloo’s design to include cornerstones.