The Process of Becoming Known
Courage became the crucial key I needed to scrutinize my Self’s choices. I may appear as a bold man on the outside but feel like a scaredy cat on the inside. This codependent pussy would need a ton of courage to examine the multiple ways my Self has kept the true me hidden. As someone who looked repulsive, I had assembled a variety of masks to hide behind. Grace’s first steps required me to become brave enough to remove them.
When you are as fat as I was, life’s game is one of audience diversion thanks to being so loathsome at first sight. I developed an expertise in image management as a matter of necessity rather than choice. I needed to convince others I was something more than what they saw. Because I looked awful, dropping that image management veil was unimaginable. I have plenty of audience manipulation stories, a few of which remain quite embarrassing. Allow me to share the one that ranks as possibly the craziest thing I’ve ever done to gain the acceptance of others.
In the mid-1980s, I’d reached a turning point thanks to feeling more dead than alive. Self-destructive behavior was at its peak. Inexplicably, this all happened at the same time the musical artists I handled were gaining traction. A moment arrived when my life was in actual jeopardy, with death’s distinct knock at my door. Something inside spoke, compelling me to make an affirmative choice for life. The first step would be addressing my use of cocaine, a problem by then. In search of support, I returned to Twelve Step meetings, an approach taken many years earlier to tackle other self-abuse issues.
I will never forget my shock upon walking into a hospital’s basement cafeteria for my first meeting in 1986. I saw what appeared to be thirty to forty starving refugees of every racial stripe. The one feature they all shared was being thin to the point of emaciation. I rolled in tipping the scales at well over three hundred pounds.
Fear and bewilderment exploded inside me as I looked around. Like most in attendance, I had abused cocaine badly enough to seek help. However, my addiction issues were apparently much worse. I felt sure that everyone could see that my problem with compulsive overeating had remained untouched by coke’s usual effect of killing any desire for food. Based on the number of skeletal figures in the room, that made me a cocaine unicorn as well as the most screwed-up person there. At least, that is what my Self immediately told me.
Along with categorizing me as the sickest person present, my fractured ego labeled me as an outsider. I had no war stories about the ravages of drug addiction, no demented glory. I had returned to the Twelve Step world not due to an inability to stop using cocaine. It was instead thanks to feeling such disgust upon discovering my Self snorting lines at three in the morning. Fortunately, my Self’s image-management playbook would provide me a way out of this predicament. If I lacked a compelling narrative, the quickest solution was to make one up.
The yarn I told began with suffering an overdose at home. Paramedics then arrived, rushing me to the ER for resuscitation. Upon regaining consciousness, I left the hospital, secretly stealing away in the night . That was the doper story I stuck to for nearly twenty-five years. I allowed this falsehood to become so entrenched in Twelve Step identity that I came to believe it. I had bought into my inner conman’s lie, and as a result, became its patsy, not realizing until many years later that I’d been suckered. This serves as a constant reminder of just how cunning my Self is in selling its wares. A better trained eye would never fall prey to such flimflam.
My Self concocted such falsehoods as a matter of emotional survival. The insanity of this fraud flowed from the lie itself. Rather than extolling a fictious achievement, the design of my story was to convince anyone who might listen of my dope fiend status, image management at its most pathological.
When I made the pro-active choice to pursue Grace’s release, I realized that to truly become known, the Self’s control over my external presentation had to cease. I could finally see the obvious: So long as the image I conveyed was inauthentic, the real me would remain forever hidden from view. Especially my own.
My Self’s approach to human engagement had sprung the perfect trap. Am I the person the other guy is attracted to? Or is it the image my Self has projected? If effective image-management wins the attention or affection of another person, then what? For one thing, it’s good-bye to my True Identity. I’m now chained to the false image portrayed rather than good ol’ me.
My process of becoming known began by admitting to all the false images I had created over so many decades. I must stop reciting the lie, whatever that might be. With every new image created, I was only reaffirming my Self’s deceit. Becoming both known and loved required ending my Self’s charade. The real Me could not be loved until honestly experienced.
What then happens when the world sees my truth? Relationships can find a harmonious fit allowing genuine intimacy. When gracefully present, two people can more readily fulfill the other’s needs without being asked. Interactive support becomes an organic feature of the relationship. By being authenically me, I am not only known but I can seamlessly bond with my fellows. No false images. No hidden agendas. Just you and me... the real me. My relationship circles can finally be unbroken.
Through revealing my True Identity to others, I can trust that the relationships I invest in will pay a generous dividend. One cannot expect a good return from a venture unless it demonstrates the possibility for solid growth. Providing an accurate reflection of both my assets as well as my liabilities attracts only those genuinely interested in what I have to offer. By laying all my cards face up, trust is created. By keeping the game open and honest, that trust is sustained.
Grace’s revised approach to life eliminates the interpersonal struggles which used to characterize how I functioned. Having become divested of my Self’s false images, I along with others can access a more genuine version of ourselves. Love then not only flows in my direction, but I can confidently receive it as a genuine embrace.