Explaining what ails me can be summed up as follows: I’ve got voices in my head. Worse, they never stop talking. There are voices that argue, voices that cast judgment, voices that cry out demanding my immediate cooperation. Of course, the complaint department has a long line of whiny voices, all waiting impatiently to bitch. Fellowship aside, what Twelve Step meetings really provided me each day was the chance to hear someone else speak!
Interestingly, once I learned the discipline of quiet listening, I was provided something of an A-hah! moment. I discovered those voices came from just two speakers. Moreover, the shouting came from only one of them. I had not heard much from the softer voice due to how it speaks in quiet whispers. Yet this more tranquil voice’s beckoning would eventually become the light that guides me now. Before, I’d rarely given that quieter influence much thought other than an occasional nod of acknowledgment.
However, once identified, the problem became immediately apparent. The closer I looked, the clearer it became. I had been the victim of a masterful deceit. My lifelong struggle was not about an absence of God. Nor did it have anything to do with whatever human challenge I faced. In an instant, the source of my self-hate became obvious. It was me. I was the culprit!
That became my first crucial turning point, grasping the duality of my two voices and all the resulting conflict flowing therefrom. One represents my internal darkness, the other offers a beacon of light. Following the wrong voice had led me down the path of unending despair.
The previous section exemplifies that erroneous influence. The quieter voice urged me to harness Grace’s key ring. The more daunting voice insisted such an effort would end in failure. I am the guy stuck in the middle trying to figure out which voice to follow.
That conundrum illustrates where all my life’s previous failures lay. I had never learned how to listen for correct guidance despite many years of therapy as well as working the Twelve Steps with disciplined dedication. Suffering was the result, whether living within my addictions or outside them. Becoming aware of that truth for the first time was my watershed moment.
Fortunately, I can forgive myself if only due to that darker voice being so cunning, baffling, and powerful, the same description Alcoholics Anonymous® assigns to alcohol. My inner demon’s fierce dominance had forced me to cede control throughout my life. Learning how to overcome self-rule launched my quest to find Grace.
A basic primer will describe my inner workings, aptly labeled: Me, My Self, and I. Rather than a scientifically based model, this description is a layperson’s metaphor to help comprehend his internal world. I’m a guy with an angel sitting on one shoulder and the proverbial devil perched on the other.