As the Series Preview mentioned, the spiritual formula I attempted to harness in early adulthood was the Alcoholics Anonymous® Twelve Step approach: I must seek conscious contact with a higher power wherever I might find Him/Her. Over and over, I tried dialing God’s number but all I would hear in response was the phone’s perpetual ring. Never did I experience the presence of another voice nor was there any sign of an incoming call.
After five decades of remaining aimlessly lost in such silence, I initiated a radical new approach to my spiritual self-identity. Rather than following an externally offered concept, I would instead pursue spiritual comprehension based on my own design. This is not to say that I had come to some conclusion regarding God’s existence. Not at all. My new path was one of departure rather than denial. I have no argument against the idea of Providence any more than I do with String Theory. However, I’ve yet to see enough demonstrable evidence to convince me of either theory’s veracity.
I therefore see myself as neither atheist nor agnostic. Atheists seem as equally convinced of God’s non-existence as believers are confident of a Deity’s presence. To me, such labels are two sides of the same coin thanks to their mutually exclusive premise. My choice to move on was never based on denying the presence of a loving God. Instead, I was finally admitting that my fifty-year search for God’s presence in my life had failed.
Mine was a departure from faith, not a disavowal of God. My decision was strictly to abandon the Divine as not worthy of further pursuit after a lifetime of failure. Most people therefore incorrectly assume I’m agnostic. What lies at the heart of agnosticism is the notion that God is unknowable. I make no such claim. Who am I to argue against those who have fruitfully created a relationship with God as they understand Him/Her? I fully support their success while I have found none.
Additional factors drove my spiritual thought process to break free. For one, I’d become exhausted by society’s certainty about God. I see that very certitude as causing so many of humanity’s ills. If life has taught me anything, it is that firmly held convictions can be powder kegs. Such convictions may contain great power, but that is precisely why they are so dangerous.
My new path forced me to learn that what I know one day might very well change the next. My ability to weigh such evidence is proportionate to my willingness to receive it. Absolutes, in my view become anathema to the human dynamic. They shut down outside thought, transforming opponents into enemies. It’s a zero-sum game I can no longer afford to play.
Instead, I choose to remain open to all spiritual thought by not questioning its source. If what I am offered dovetails into my concept of Grace, I try to utilize it. If not, I attempt to let it slide quietly by without further comment or critique. Admittedly, such ideas are primarily aspirational. I remain all too human. My new routing follows a progressive path rather than seeking a predetermined destination. The attainment of Grace requires me to focus on life’s processes rather than its results.
Whenever I see a value which I want to integrate into my operating system, I must then practice it. Only through constant repetition of a new value am I able to make it a regular feature of my thought and conduct. The balance of my life is then devoted to perfecting it.
The spiritual realm, as I see it, is not one of right or wrong. It is strictly about what works for me while simultaneously respecting what works for you. Following such guardrails upholds the spirit of the Golden Rule as I understand it. The one thing I must protect against is expressing certainty about anything other than that which I have witnessed or experienced. Only then do I know the truth, and only as applied to me.
That said, I must admit to having always enjoyed the concept of God’s Grace. That idea speaks to the most noble part of mankind’s capacity for good. With God no longer a chosen part of my life, the idea of learning more about Grace seemed like a sound alternative path. My focus going forward was to ascertain how I might personally express that concept.
All these years later I am confident that any person can affirmatively walk Grace’s road without involving a Deity. Yet, I have also seen how coupling Grace’s lessons to one’s religious commitment can assist a believer in the climb up heaven’s ladder. Willingness is the required key, along with an accompanying effort to change one’s internal navigation.
This is the essence of my story. The journey to Grace was never really about finding a replacement for an absent higher power having previously abandoned that concept. My process of finding Grace was focused on enhancing the relationship I have with myself. Through practice, I have not only ended a lifetime of self-hate but found a spiritual identity I know as mine. Today when I look in the mirror, I love who I see. Equally important, thanks to following Grace’s internal truth as an authentic part of my daily life, I can now honestly claim a state of Grace as my home address.