When mental/emotional/psychological pain becomes intense enough, the human animal downshift into survival mode. We will do whatever is necessary to endure, if not escape. This was precisely where I stood as my quest for Grace began, finally ready to face my Self.
To be sure, fifteen years of recovery effort had saved me. But I remained light years away from being restored to sanity and for one simple reason. Despite all my brainy strengths, I had yet to become teachable. My Self regularly and successfully censored what my mind took in. Shifting into rigorous self-honesty required me to park my brain in long-term storage while redirecting my listening devices towards a deeper part of me.
Not until I realized I no longer believed in God did I finally see the wrong turn I had taken. The battle between light and darkness was not one of a benevolent God versus evil me. It was instead an internal war in which I played both participant and overlord. I would never resolve that conflict without first becoming teachable. Only then would I possess the basic skillsets to clear the blocked passageways to my conscience.
To unmask my Self’s deceit required nearly microscopic examination, especially those parts my Self most avoids looking at. That required employing a series of Grace’s foundational keys:
- Willingness: I must be willing to overcome my Self’s resistance to change.
- Responsibility: I must accept that personal change begins with taking ownership of my life’s mess.
- Sanity:{DOUBLE_SPACE}I must learn how to think and behave in a normal and rational manner.
- Honesty:{DOUBLE_SPACE}I must bear witness to my Self’s deadly secrets, all of them.
- Courage: I must prevail over my fear of becoming known.
Locating the source of Grace’s pulse presented my first challenge. I somehow knew that its qualities lived inside me but had no clue where to look. Worse, the light which my internal Grace offered became increasingly faint due to so many false layers of Self, an accumulation preventing my personal Grace from shining through.
With the necessary repair work identified, the job became scraping away my Self’s false veneer. That process seemed endless. But with dedicated effort and daily rounds of sanding, the startling rich textures of my original wood’s natural beauty began to shine through. It was a jaw-dropping moment when I finally saw my True Identity for the first time thanks to the profound sense of love felt for the person I beheld.
Accompanying that eye-opener was the recognition that all those twists and turns taken throughout my life’s journey had occurred for a crucially important reason. Every step, every experience, every downfall contributed to my reaching one of Grace’s most important objectives: to be here now. The crashes and burns I’ve survived delivered a series of valuable teaching moments. An unwillingness to confront my Self had resulted in losing my way. Reversing direction and facing that internal devil head-on provided an escape from lifelong imprisonment.